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then that I had forgotten now. In a lot of ways I have allowed my fears to take over my life again. Fears of never being enough, of not knowing what the future has in store for me, of making the wrong choice in my life and relationships. When I wrote that blog post I was in a high vibe state. I was motivated and ready to take on the world. I was working out, working on my spiritual life, I was working hard to conquer my dreams. However, then I allowed myself to get in my own way.
This week I got a good dose of my own medicine. I was at Six Flags over Texas with my family, standing in line to ride, The Riddler. For those that are unfamiliar with this ride, it is an incredibly tall contraption that spins as it swings you higher and higher into the air. It was terrifying to stand there and watch as they filled the seats and sent people swirling (while screaming) into the sky. I will be honest, for a good solid moment I almost chickened out and pulled my step dad from the line to move on to the next one. Then something magical happened. I took a step back and realized that my fear was getting in the way of me going on a ride that I was really excited for. It wasn't that different from other rides that I had ridden before. No one was crying or seemed to be hurt from the experience. It was simply my own mind standing in my way. So, I took a deep breath and pushed my self farther and farther into the line, one step at a time. End result? I had a freaking blast with my step dad and made a wonderful connection with the girl who sat next to me. I went hurtling through the air with a huge smile on my face and was so proud of myself in the end for pushing myself to getting on. This very instance reminded me of just how much fear stands in the way of me going after the life that I want and has the potential to turn out as a very great experience for me. We encounter things everyday that test us and ask us to push past our comfort zones. I am terrified of heights. To the point that I cannot ride the Farris Wheel without having an anxiety attack and crying. Yet I will be in that line to get on it if my family decides to ride it. I am also deathly terrified of clowns. This past Halloween, I went with my friends to project fear and ended up almost hyperventilating in a ball of tears because I was surrounded by clowns in a strobing room where they would get closer and closer. They literally broke character to ask my friends and I if I was ok and to make sure that I was still breathing. I knew they would be there. I was a knot of nerves before even entering the building. However, I love haunted houses and knew I wanted this experience with my friends. We bonded so much through that night but it never would have happened if I had let my fears get the better of me. I guess what I want you to take from this is that there will always be something to fear. Getting a new job, talking to that boy or girl you have had a crush on for the longest time, leaving a toxic environment to enter a world of unknown possibility, trying something new. The fear will always try to stop you. It is your minds natural instinct. You get to chose though how you will proceed and if you will allow that fear to get in your way. You are right, you don't know what is waiting on the other end. Is it worth is though if you never get the chance to find out? Are you missing out on a wonderful opportunity to grow and experience something that could potentially change your life? The choice is ultimately yours.
I am a strong believer that each and everyone of us are the rulers of our own life. We spend our lives building our kingdom from the ground up. We are raised to rise farther and to conquer our dreams. Over the years I have latched onto the idea that I am a Queen. In all honesty, this concept really stuck when I began my spiritual journey. As a Christian they refer to God as the King and as his children we are therefore princes and princesses. I really enjoyed this imagery. I always had a hard time praying but when I thought about it, I could visualize myself walking up to a throne and approaching this might familiar king. When I stepped away from the Christian church and began seeking my own truth. I found Darienne from Darienne Empire and man did my perception change. She too comes from a Christian background but her practice is one of love and honor. She spoke to me as a fellow Queen and everything just seemed to click into place. This is what I know now. I am a badass Queen. I rule my own kingdom. I hold the power over my life and what I want it look like. I am a beautiful, confident, strong, and powerful woman. I have my own unique journey. I have my own unique connection to God. I decided what I will and will not accept into my life. I am ambitious and determined to live my dreams and I am taking the steps necessary to get me there each and every day. I am putting in the work to build myself and my career. I am growing. I am surrounding myself with a grounded, strong, and supportive court that is working both with and for me to help me rise to my greatest potential. I would like to have a King, yes, who doesn't want love. However, I NEED one and I will not just settle for a joker. I worth so much more then that. I deserve a King who is strong, stable, supportive, grounded, honorable, and chivalrous. One who will respect and love me, as I do him. I will not settle for a mediocre life for the sake of fitting in and conforming to the status quote. I have goals and dreams, with time and work I will shape my life into one I will be proud of. So, here is to all my Kings and Queens out there on their quests to building their kingdoms. Don't settle. Know that you are worth more than this world. You are worthy and loved. Your dreams are possible. The relationships you want are possible. Don't allow others to tell you how to rule. Follow your heart and intuition. Learn from your mistakes and grow. Let go of your old ways and people who are holding you back. Don't allow procrastination and lack of a plan keep you stagnant and overwhelmed. Do the work. Make a strategy, then pick up your sword and fight for the life you truly want. You've got this! Take back your crown and rule your kingdom!
I discovered my love for writing in the 4th grade and was fortunate enough to have teachers that really nurtured and used this love to help me succeed. They would take my work and read it, giving me great feedback at the end of each day. They gave us extra credit writing assignments because trust me I needed it. Haha. I wasn't the most focused student growing up. I much preferred reading under my desk and writing in my notebooks over solving equations. Growing up I found that writing was, and still is, my escape from the world. It has been one of the only constants in my life and in a lot of ways it has made me who I am today. Just knowing that at any moment I could escape into a world that I created, where I have total control, helped make the mundane grind of every day just a bit easier. In my life today I have to kinds of writing in my day to day life. My novel, and this very blog.
This blog is a pretty new development and I am still learning what works and what does not work. I am still very much finding my voice on this new platform. What content I enjoy writing about and that people enjoy reading. That is partly why I wanted to do the June with Jess series in the first place. To open this platform up and to allow me space to find what I like to create here. So far my posts here are very free flowing. I don't do a lot of planning or structuring. I am just taking the prompt for the day and seeing where it takes me. I am loving it. With novels I am currently working on a story that I am super excited to share with the world. With its code name being 'Project Voodoo', you can be sure that is encompasses epic magic, far away lands, and creatures unlike anything you have seen before. It is still in the outlining stages but that doesn't make it any less exciting. I am already so in love with my characters and their world that I am just starting to get acquainted with. I am typically a pantser when it comes to writing stories. I like to let the story flow and see where it goes but I tend to get stuck that way. During this round I am using the 'Save the Cat' system and so far I am really enjoying it. Save the Cat is really helping me to dig deeper into my world, characters, plot, and subplots to develop a deeper more well rounded story. So I guess now I would classify myself as a plantser. Planning enough to know the story but loose enough to still have surprises. I am excited to really start off in these journeys and to see where they lead me. For now though, I am just flowing with it and having fun with all I am creating. Are you a writer? How much planning goes into your writing?
Over the years, I have noticed that though my life have changed and morphed through different stages. There are core values in all of the goals and dreams I have set my mind to.
My dreams as I see them now? Firstly, I want to help the world and everyone/ everything that lives here. Today this manifests in that I want to be a Professional Tarot Reader and Astrologist. Tarot and Astrology have helped me with so much growth and healing in my life. I would love to share this awesome tool I have found with those that really need it. I also want to be a spiritual life coach. I want help myself and others find their true powerful selves and own it. I want to take my kick ass powers that I am using to change my life and teach others how to do the same for their own. As you can probably tell, I am unconventional and want a life that is unique and different from the status quo. I want to own my own business. I don't see myself working your traditional 9-5, stuck in an office somewhere. I see myself working primarily from home or in a cute metaphysical shop that I open myself. I want my business to primarily be online with some in person work as well. I want to be a successful author. I am currently writing my first novel. It is still in beginning stages but I see where it can go. I can people enjoying it and I cannot wait to share it with the world. I would love to see my name one day be on the best seller list. I would love for people to read my work and enjoy it. I know in my soul that I have what it takes, I just have to get there. I also know that I will get there. I find that I have the deep want to be seen. This one manifests in many forms in my life. I see it in this very blog, my Instagram account, my YouTube Channel, when I am on stage performing. I long to have a voice in this world and to be truly seen. For my content to make a difference. I am a creator to my core and I long for a like minded audience to share it with. I am ambitious through and through but I am also determined to get to where I want to go. I am making my dreams a reality. I know that it will take time and energy to get there but I also know that I WILL get there and when I do it will be worth every ounce of the work I put in. Your dreams are just as important and I hope that you are putting in the effort to get where you want to be also. The world is your stage, you get to decide the story you tell. Make it a good one! Dear Reader,
I will be honest. I have no idea how to begin this one so I am just going to through it out there and see where it goes. I left college and my entire life is changing. Yep, you read that correctly. I officially became a rebel and I withdrew from college. I am not in any productions at the moment and I just left my job. I don't know if you know this but I am a bit of a workaholic so you can imagine just how well this transition from having my schedule jam packed with classes, rehearsals, and work, to having literally nothing but self imposed deadlines and projects. It hasn't been going so well. Don't get me wrong. I totally stand behind my decision to leave school and would do it again in a heart beat. I loved my time there but it was obvious that my time there was up and I needed an out. Here are the answers to the two questions I keep getting asked about in regards to my departure from school. Why on Earth would you leave school?! Well, my friends, the simple answer is that it just isn't for me right now. The more complicated answer is that school was giving me massive anxiety and was becoming very hindering to my mental health. I promise I am not trying to be some woe is me drama queen. I was just experiencing lots of anxiety attacks and felt myself slipping farther and farther into depression. I would go to class and feel so uncomfortable and out of place. I was crying just about every day. It just wasn't good. I only felt good in two of my classes and even then I still had this overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong there. I was having a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning to get to class. I felt completely disengaged from my classes and honestly it felt like a complete waste of time. I really didn't want to waste time, not just my own but my instructors as well. One of the cool things about the college I was attending is that because the classes are small the instructors care so much about each student. I felt like my instructors where putting a ton of time and energy into me, which I totally appreciate because I know that it is because they see potential in me as a performer, but it didn't seem fair. I came to realize that I was just using school as a time filler. To keep me busy and occupied, instead of really going out and chasing my dreams. I was just staying where I was comfortable and safe, not because I honestly wanted and needed to be there. So I left and while I still am a complete mess and still battling some of the darkness, it is a bit better and continues getting better everyday. Well, what is your plan now? Honestly, I have no flipping clue. I wish I could tell you that I have the extensive game plan for my future. That every step is laid out and I am working on the execution. I suppose in a way I might but nothing is certain. My entire life feels so different right now. My entire slate has been complete wiped clean and I am presented with a world of possibilities. I feel very disconnected from who I always have been but I do feel as though it is getting better. I have the desire to read again. I am working a new novel, Project Voodoo. I am trying to post more consistently to my social media platforms. I am teaching myself tarot. I am applying for jobs and calling Cosmetology schools. I have projects. I am taking small steps toward something larger even if I don't have a clear vision of that larger picture is yet. I am rediscovering myself because I have realized that somewhere along the way I got lost. I am figuring out where I fit in in this world and what I could possibly have to offer it. It is a mess, I am a mess, but I am owning that and doing my best to make everything work out. I miss being around my friends and like minded people all the time. I miss literally performing everyday. But I know that this is was the right thing for me to do in the end. My true friends will stay in contact and we will hang out. Performances will come and I will be onstage again. Until then I need to focus on me and what makes me happy. I need to start moving forward and excelling instead of being so terrified of success. I have a long ways to go but I am excited to see what the road before me has to offer. Sincerely Yours, Jess This summer has already been huge for me. I have really taken the bull by the horns and got some things in the works that I have been wanting to accomplish for years now! I started working out, Yoga and Tae Bo to be exact. Even got a bike. I have begun eating healthier and I can already feel my body thanking me for not getting McDonalds, Braums, or Taco Bell for the millionth time. I have dived back into my Tarot studies with the hope that by the end of the summer I can finally start my tarot business. I have started writing again. AND I finally started a YouTube channel! Yeah, the first video is a bit painful to watch, but I did it and honestly I am a little proud of my editing job (considering I have never edited a video in my life.). The thing is though, with all of these new projects I did the hardest part. I started. I sat my ass down and I did the work necessary to take me one step closer to my goals. I would be lying though if I said that is was easy. This post was inspired by a very enlightening tarot pull I did for myself this morning. It was a simple two card pull that consisted of The Moon and The Ace of Wands. The Moon being of fears, anxieties, illusions, your subconscious mind. The Ace of Pentacles being of prosperity, growth, new beginnings, adventure, creativity, originality, believing in your abilities. As I set the two cards in front of me their message seemed to just plow into me and I knew that this was a message I needed to share. Their message is simple but profound: Failure is always possible no matter what path you chose to take, there are no guarantees. it is better to fail pursuing your dreams than to never have tried at all. You cannot allow self-doubt and fear to come between you and the life you wish to live! Yeah, WOW! I am currently reading 'You Are A Badass' by Jen Sincero, who in her very first chapter talks about limiting beliefs and negative self talk. Within this chapter, she talks about how our subconscious mind picks up various 'truths' throughout our childhood that affect us now as adults. We may or may not be aware of these 'truths' but they are there. Influencing our every move and continue to do so until we are aware of them and can handle them accordingly. For example, someone who has suffered in their past from sexual abuse may adopt the idea that beauty as painful, destructive, and shameful. Now in their adult hood, they hide themselves beneath layers of clothing and present themselves as messy to, unknowingly, come off as unattractive. Another example, one Jen Sincero mentions in her book, is if someone grows up in a house where the parent is always gone trying to make money but never seems to succeed. The child will adopt the kind of 'truth' that says that money is unavailable, unreliable, and impossible to obtain. Then as an adult this child will continue to be broke no matter how hard they try. The reason that I am explaining all of this is because I feel that there is a common fear and limiting belief that so many of us are buying into. The fear of being seen. Truly seen! I realized this fear when I started really going after the things that I want in my life . YouTube, this blog, my Instagram account. All of these requiring me to step out of the social norm and be seen. It should be a walk in the park, I love what I am doing and I am talking about things I care about. Though I will admit that it is incredibly hard for me to press the publish button. This is my voice, my face, my passions and I am presenting them for everyone and anyone to see. That is terrifying. I am terrified at the idea of my friends, family, family friends, instructors, directors, even strangers finding my social media accounts and actually recognizing my work. I honestly believe that this is due to truths picked up from our childhood. Beliefs that state that our emotions, passions, and opinions are unimportant and invalid. That our dreams are impractical and have no chance of being successful. That being different is something to be ashamed of. This 'truth' is so incredibly false. Our dreams are what set us apart from everyone else. They are what make us unique. If we all try to constantly reach for what society states is the perfect life for us, living would be so boring and there would be no progress. We were all created to be different. We have our own complex minds, our own desires, fears, passions, hobbies. Each one is so precious and worth being shared with the world. You deserve to post about your new cooking success. Start that YouTube channel that you so have been thinking about. Start that Instagram account dedicated to the true you! Want to track your weight loss? Go for it. Are you witch and want to post about your rituals, spells, crystals? I will personally follow you. Try new hobbies. Read new books. Ask that person out that you can't stop thinking about. It may be difficult but I promise that the experience will be worth it. Life is not about doing what the world thinks that you should. It is about these perfect moments, where you follow your heart and step out from among the crowd and allow your true shelf to shine. You deserve all the happiness in the world, to do the things that you love. Your life should be magical, please don't settle for anything less. |
Welcome!Life is a journey that we all go though. Each journey is vastly different from the next. Yet we are all able to connect to one another through our experiences. We are able to learn from someone else's struggles and victories. Here, I want to share mine with you. Categories
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